


The Dogs of War

by a_scribe_of_asgard



Category: X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Mild Language, mild violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:22:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26398594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_scribe_of_asgard/pseuds/a_scribe_of_asgard
Summary: Alex goes away to war, letters from a friend might be all that gets him through, but he doesn't come back right.
Relationships: Alex Summers/Original Female Character
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: this fic is fairly old, the original copy is from 2015. Note: I am not a therapist, nor do I claim to know how depression works for everyone. I took liberties with the postal system as well as the Vietnam jungle. While much of this story is based on movie!Alex Summers, it can be read generically as well. I am still proud of this fic, and wanted to share. Thanks for reading!

_ Oh wake me please when this is over _

_ Oh when the ice is melted away _

_ And the hunger returns _

_ I will be the same but older _

_ And may be twice the bear that I thought I was _

_ -Moving Pictures, Silent Films _

_ Great Lake Swimmers _

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ He felt like he would never see a normal day again. Too many days of sunlight filtering in through the heavy jungle canopy. Too many days of rain so heavy he couldn't see. Too many days of sleeping on rocky or muddy ground. Too many days of someone he'd gotten to know suddenly being gone. Or bleeding on the ground, as he had to just walk away or else he would die too. _

Alex woke with a start. Another nightmare. He rubbed his face. No one else was awake. Breathing hard he tried to relax enough to get back to sleep.  _ Man I miss coffee,  _ he thought suddenly.  _ Real coffee.  _ He rolled onto his side on the damp ground, his pack shoved under his head.

_ I wish I could go back to that café again.  _ He sighed and closed his eyes.  _ She probably doesn't even work there anymore.  _ He didn't even remember her name, wasn't even sure he'd gotten it. He remembered too clearly her face with it's snub nosed dotted with freckles, her friendly, easy smile. The long dark hair she wore pinned back from her face.  _ Hazel eyes. _

He drifted back to sleep.

Somewhere else, another person woke up out of a sound sleep.

Dani sat up after a moment. She hadn't had a nightmare exactly, but she'd gotten a sudden burst of fear that had woken her from its force. She shivered and drew her blankets up to her shoulders.

She found herself remembering someone she hadn't thought of in a long time. A friendly blond guy with a teasing half smile who had come in regularly for coffee and sometimes a donut. She hadn't seen him in almost a year now. She wondered if he'd gotten drafted, and then wondered why she'd thought of it at all.

The chill wouldn't leave, and she got up out of bed and put on her robe, going to the window to see if it was any closer to morning than it felt. The opened curtains showed her nothing but dark, not even a hint of purple on the distant horizon.

She turned the heat up and went back to bed.

-

_ Dear Hank- _

__ _ Remember that café I used to go to? You probably do, you've got a better memory than Charles. Stupid boot camp never gave me a chance to go say goodbye... didn't know I'd get one. Think you could run down there and say bye to that girl I used to talk to? Maybe catch her name because I was too dumb to do it? That'd be awesome. Thanks _

_ -Alex _

Hank stared at the scratchily written letter that was hard to read. It was the first time since he'd left that Alex had written. Not that he minded of course, Alex was busy fighting in a war. The paper was almost as thin as onion skin from how much humidity it had been subjected to before leaving the jungles. Alex's handwriting was normally nice looking and legible, but it looked as if he'd barely had time to dash out the letter.

He had a thousand questions, but first he'd go and talk to this girl, and find out what Alex wanted him to.

-

Later than afternoon, when he could finally get away from Charles' maudlin anger, he went to the coffee shop. It was a cute little place with flower boxes on the front windows and latticed shutters at the windows, and wrought iron tables and chairs outside on a brick patio that was also laden with boxes of flowers.  _ Alex must have loved this place. _

He went inside.

- _ jinglejingle- _

There was a tiny bell hanging from the inside of the door overhead, just big enough to make that pleasant little noise when the door swung open. The low babble of a few voices reached him as he looked up at the bell, and he stayed in the doorway a moment to look around. Bigger than he'd expected, with a fireplace banked low, tables and chairs aplenty with a pair of sofas on either side and a few armchairs. It was roughly half occupied. There was a girl behind the counter. She wore her hair in a braid over one shoulder, and a simple white t-shirt and red, patterned apron.

He stepped in further, slowly, a bit hesitantly.

“Hey! Come on in, don't be shy.”

The girl was smiling, and as he got closer, he realized from Alex's repeated descriptions, that this was her. She was beautiful.

“I see why he likes you,” he blurted, and his neck and ears went red. “God, I'm sorry.”

She blushed, but laughed. It was a friendly laugh. “Don't be sorry. But you've got one over on me, because I don't know who you're talking about.”

“Uh- my friend. He, um.” He cleared his throat, the blush creeping across his cheekbones. “Look, do you have a couple of minutes? It's really important, and I won't want to get you in trouble. I'll order some tea or something, I promise.”

She looked startled. “Oh, uh, sure, I can spare a few. I'll put something in a pot for you, hang on.” She called someone from the back while she poured boiling water into a teapot, and then tucked in a tea ball. A little butterfly hung from the silver chain. She plunked it on a tray and grabbed a cup. “Come on, we'll go over there.” She nodded toward one of the tables in a corner.

Hank followed her. “Thanks. I'm sorry. I mean, for wasting your time.”

“Doesn't sound like a waste,” she said, setting the tray down and then sitting. She wore tan shorts. “You said it was important.” She pushed back a swath of dark hair that had fallen from her braid.

He sat down across from her. “Yeah. See.” He adjusted his glasses. “My friend got drafted. He hadn't been here for a couple months, and he was planning to come back, but then he got drafted, went to boot camp... now he's in Vietnam.” He looked at his folded hands on the table, thumbs tapping, then back up at her. “He said he was sorry he didn't get to say goodbye to you.”

She stared at him. Her eyes were dark.

“He came here all the time. Blond guy?” He gestured at his hair a little. “Tall, kinda skinny, leather jacket, no concept of the weather.” He bit his lip. “His name's Alex. He sent me to say goodbye for him.”

“He sent you to say goodbye to me?” She repeated, as if she really didn't understand it.

“Yeah.” Hank suddenly felt ridiculously awkward. “Sorry. I guess it wasn't that important.” He hesitantly poured himself a cup of tea, expecting her to tell him to get lost.

She put her hand over her mouth. “That's stupidly sweet.” She took her hand away, and bit her lip. “Well. Maybe you could tell him he better get back all right then.”

“Uh,” he almost spilled tea on the table. “You could tell him yourself... I have an address for him.”

“You do? But—I don't know if I should.” She ran her hands over the table top kind of idly, not really seeing her hands move. “Should I?”

“Yeah. I mean, I think he'd like it. He also said he was sorry he didn't ever get your name.” He set the teapot down, the cup alarmingly full.

“It's Danielle. Dani. Not that you need it I guess but there it is.” She laughed, a little embarrassed.

“That's okay. I mean, if I come back, I'd like to be able to address you by name... I'm Hank.” He very nearly spilled on himself, but the tea was really good.

“Well it's nice to meet you, Hank.” She stuck her hand into one of the pockets on her the red rose-and-polka-dot apron, and pulled out a small pad of paper. “Do you have his address with you?”

He spilled some of the very hot tea on himself. “Oops,” he mumbled, blushing again. “Yeah I do.”

“Oh my gosh are you okay?” She grabbed the tea towel from her apron and started patting his arm dry.

He was suddenly glad he hadn't brought his coat, and suddenly ashamed he found himself very strongly attracted to a girl he knew Alex liked. “O-oh yeah I'm fine. Really. It's not  _ that  _ hot.” His arm reddened where the tea had been, as if to mock him.

“Oh it wasn't, was it?” She teased him with a little smirk, swatting him with the towel before swiping up the few drops that had landed on the table. “Are you sure you're okay, Hank?”

He sobered. “I'm really okay, thank you.” He shifted in his chair to reach into his back pocket and pull out the envelope with Alex's army post address on it. “I don't know how fast he'll get it, or how fast he'll reply.” He unfolded it and pushed it across the table to her. “It's the first time he's written to me since he left.”

“That's okay.” She started writing. Left-handed. Her handwriting was tidy without being flowery, and broad, unlike the fine, narrow writing he was used to seeing. He liked it. “I figure he'll get it at the very least, the army's good about that much.”

Hank was extremely flustered with himself. He tried his best not to let it show. “Make sure you write to him right away too, I can come by and take it to the local post for you if you want, like tomorrow or whenever you're working again.”

“You could always come by my place to get it, I mean, if it turns into a thing, where we send letters back and forth? You'd kind of have to, since I only work three or four days a week in the fall. It's not till winter my hours pick up.” She pushed the envelope across the table to him again. “Of course, that all depends on whether or not you plan to kill me.”

He stared at her in horror, not realizing she might be joking.

She started giggling. “Oh  _ Hank  _ I'm kidding. I really don't think  you would , honest! I was teasing .”

“Oh,” he said, suddenly relieved.

“You don't have to though, I mean, I know it's probably isn't the best idea to invite you to my house.” She was blushing again. “I can get to the post office myself.”

“I really don't mind... I kind of need to get out of the house more, and well, you're right. I'm not really the type to murder anybody.” He attempted an impish smile, like the kind he'd remembered Charles would use on girls in college. She giggled, making him feel good about it.

“All right then Hank. I do work tomorrow, so when you pick up my letter to your friend Alex, you'll have my address. I really appreciate you coming in and telling me this. It's funny, I was just thinking about him recently."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter!

  
  
  
_Dear Alex-_

_Hi! Your friend Hank came to the shop to tell me you said bye, and were sorry about boot camp and the draft. Well it's certainly not your fault. The draft took a lot of people from everywhere. And honest, I wasn't upset you left and all, I figured you'd moved or something, and then the draft came along. But well. I've never written to anyone except my gramma, and she's dead now three years. So I'm sorry if this letter isn't very good._

_I hear it's really hard, this war, and that the jungle is really scary even without guns and missiles and things. Be brave, okay? And don't forget to come back. I really would like to talk to you in person again and not just letters, and if you come back in a box I will be very cross with you. Sorry this is short but I have work in a few minutes.  
I miss your company at the shop, and I hope you're all right._

_\- Sincerely, Dani_

  
Alex just stared at the letter.  _Good job, Hank._ He recognized the stamp on the envelope, it was one of the ones he'd wanted to buy when he'd seen them at the post a while back. Some fancy hot rod. He wondered if she'd picked it out, or if Hank had. He read the letter over again. She wasn't bad at writing, whatever she thought.   
_If you come back in a box I will be very cross with you._ He laughed softly, and folded  it up, shoving it into the inside pocket of his shirt. “I won't,” he murmured, and patted the letter.

_

  
  
_Gunfire. The pattering hail of bullets tearing through leaves. Hoarse panting. Running boot steps. Alex was so goddamned tired of this. He just wanted to rest_ _some_ _where_ _that_ _he didn't have to hear the vicious chatter of guns or the hiss of gas canisters, or the whump of missiles or bombs or landmines. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was going down and it was in his eyes. As he ran with his ever-dwindling squad, he could hear leaves slapping against his arms, his legs. The rapid thud of his boots.  
He leapt over rocks and fallen logs. He hated the part where they had to run. His dogtags jingled. He reached with his free hand to shove them into his shirt. _ _If he got back—when—_ _he would give them to Dani. For a moment, in his head, he could picture her in_ _a heavy sweater_ _and jeans, a pair of dog tags glinting over the soft fabric._ _He barely remembered what she looked like._ _He heard a crash.  
_ “Get moving, Private!” The sergeant of his group came barreling toward him at high speed. “We ain't got time to pussyfoot around, boy!”   
Alex ran.  
“Where's Jackson, sir?” He could barely get the words out between breaths. It was hard to keep his gun in both hands and run, but that's what they wanted.  
“Forget Jackson! They'll send his tags in a box if he's lucky!” And then it was just Alex and one other guy, the other three well ahead of even the sergeant.  
_  
Another day, another death.  
  
_  
  
_

_Dear Dani-_

_Hey thanks for writing. I have a free moment. Lost two more guys last week. I got a shrapnel cut on my arm, but I'm okay, didn't even need stitches. It wasn't a bad letter, I liked it. I think the worst bit is less being scared about going home in a box and more about seeing other people blasted or shot or whatever.  
You probably don't want to hear about that. Kinda gives me nightmares but I guess that's how it goes. I miss the café, and I miss your company too. Now I kind of have a really good reason to come back, and not just that my friends'll miss me. I've got your letter in my shirt pocket, like a good luck charm, hope you don't mind.  
Hank's probably bored you to death about Star Trek, he loves it. It's okay, sometimes I'll watch. I'm always surprised it still comes on. Where I live we can get it whenever because of satellite. Still, it's usually on late, like 11. Maybe you should come over and watch with us. If I ever get back. I mean when. Sorry.  
You know you can't really see the stars in the jungle. It sucks. I hope you can see them where you are. Well, gotta go, it's late and I have to get some sleep or my squad leader will yell at me. Later. -Alex_

Hank watched her read it. He watched her eyes go wet, and she bit her lip. “Hey, are you okay?” His tone was more worried than he’d meant.  
“Yeah.. he's just... he's being so pleasant and I know it's got to be awful there for him. He said I should go watch Star Trek with you guys when he gets back.” She shrugged a little.  
“Have you seen it?” Hank was actually surprised Alex had mentioned it. “It's pretty good. I mean, I like it, anyway.”  
“I've seen exactly one episode. It looked pretty interesting.” She shrugged again and folded up Alex's letter, shoving it back into the envelope.

“ It's interesting all right. But... I kind of don't know if we can invite you. A friend of ours... well you remember I told you I have to take care of him.” He sighed. “It might be hard to watch a show like that with him around.”  
“My apartment complex actually has satellite, lucky me. It's kind of expensive, but I only have to pay when I use it. So I suppose you guys could come over here and watch it.” She chewed on her thumbnail. “Do you know where I can go for postcards?”  
“Yeah, the Rexall has some good ones.” He fidgeted with the sleeve of his coat. “Don't you think a letter would be better for him?”  
“You'll see what I'm planning to do. Come by tomorrow. I've got some things I have to do today, so I won't be able to write him till tonight.” She smiled at him.


	3. Chapter 3

Dani wandered around the drugstore, trying to find the postcard rack. There was even a flyer advertising them on the window, but it took her  almost ten minutes to find it. She really hoped there'd be something she wanted on it.  
A few minutes later, she found the perfect thing. Right near the bottom of the last row of cards.  
  
  
_Dear Alex-  
  
Hope you like the postcard. Maybe you can't see stars in the sky in the jungle, but you can't say you can't see them now. In case you don't know, it's a picture of the Pleiades. It was the only thing the Rexall had with stars, but I figured it'd do.  
Since it's getting close to Christmas, they're bringing in that one tea you like. I'm saving some for you when you get back. Hank says you can't have it there, or I'd mail it. I'm sending you a book for the holiday I hope that's all right. I have to keep asking Hank to bother the post to find out what's ok to send, but I'm not sure what you like._

_There's a note on the back of the card too. I'm sorry you have to be away for Christmas. The post is very picky about telephone calls but they said I might be able to call for you then. If you want. If not I can call after. It's up to you really._

_I miss you a lot, and I'm worried for you. I heard about Phnom Penh, it sounds like things are getting worse. I hope you can come back soon, but I'm worried they will keep you for longer. Hank said some tours are six years, and that would mean you would be gone for five more years. I really hope not.  
I will call, I promise._

_-Sincerely, Dani  
  
  
_ Alex stared at the postcard. It was beautiful. His eyes burned. He took her old letter, which was very flattened by now, and added the new one. He turned the postcard over.  _Keep your head on soldier! You'll see the stars again soon! xo Dani._ He wiped his eyes.  
“ _I'll make it home for you,”_ he said in a hoarse voice. It was a quiet day, and the next day would be Christmas. Letters were sometimes slow to get to them, this one was dated December 2nd.

The thin, hard mattress was only a little better than the ground, but frankly he didn't care. He wanted a real bed, and he wanted to see Dani, and Hank, and everybody else. Even Erik. Stupid Erik. He sat cross-legged on the folding bed and set the postcard on it, and just stared down at the beautiful image captured on it. 

-

He was startled when the sergeant stuck his head into his room at camp. “Hey Summers! You got a phone call, son. Sounds like a lady. Merry fuckin' Christmas right?”

  
“Uh sure,” he said. He figured it was his mother, or something even though he knew she probably wouldn't call, because she worried too much about how things worked. He went to the command center.

  
“Here you go, son,” the man who handed him the phone had lieutenant stripes. “I'll scoot on out of here so you can take this alone.” He smiled.

  
Alex hesitantly lifted the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

  
_“Alex?”_

  
He knew that voice anywhere. The sheer relief at hearing her over the phone was amazing. “Hey! I didn't expect you'd be able to call.” He sat in the folding chair the lieutenant had vacated.

  
“ _I had to. It's Christmas! That reminds me, Merry Christmas Alex. I'm sorry your book will be late. They said they tried to rush it, but it has to be dropped ten miles from where you are and brought in by Jeep. So it probably won't get there for a couple more days.”_

_  
“_ Hey, that's okay. I'm grateful you got me something. I didn't get you anything though, sorry about that. There just aren't any gift shops here, and it's the worst time of year for tropical flowers. Pretty sure you don't want a leaf either. Maybe I'll send you a rock.” He smiled a little.

  
She laughed. “ _You don't have to get me anything, Alex. I get to talk to you on the phone. You're okay. That's enough of a Christmas present. I have your tea all put aside in my cabinet. Hank says the only thing right now we can send is either a shaving kit or cigarettes. But you don't smoke I guess?”_

_  
“_ No, but sometimes I wish I did. You're really sweet, you know that? You don't have to save it for me, but thanks. Maybe by the time my birthday comes around next year, they'll let you send it. And thanks for worrying about me. My mom does but you know. That's her job.” He laughed. It was really nice talking to her.

  
_“I can't help it! You're my friend, and Hank's friend, and it's hard not to worry about someone I know. When's your birthday? I'll make sure to hassle the post around then so I can send you some things.”_

_  
_ “Well it's definitely nice to have someone other than mom and my best friend worried. My birthday's in August, so you have a while. But give 'em hell. I know the guys would love to get care packages out here. Mostly send me food though, there's only so much I can carry.”

  
“ _Was the book a bad idea then?”_

  
“No! Unless it's a hardback, then I might have to use it on a bad guy.” He grinned.

  
She giggled, and it made his heart warm. “ _No, it's a paperback. It's kind of a kids book but I thi_ _nk you might like it.”_

_  
_ “Hey, I read almost anything. Just no murder mysteries or crime novels right now. And definitely no war books.” He said it in a light tone, but he was serious.

  
“ _I promise I won't send you those. Do you ever get to go on leave? Or will you be stuck there the whole time?”_

_  
“_ I have no idea. But if I get to go on leave, I am coming to visit you. At least, if that's okay.” 

“ _Sure, of course it is. I'd love to see you again, Alex. I'm really sorry you have to be there.”_

_  
_ “That's good.” He went quiet for a bit. “Yeah I'm sorry I have to be here too, but I do what I have to.” He sighed when he saw the lieutenant peeking into the command center. “I gotta go, I'm sorry. Thanks so much for calling. I really miss you, and I promise I'll come back for you, okay? And not in a box.”

  
“ _Okay, goodbye Alex. You better keep that promise. And Merry Christmas again. And Happy New Year because I know they won't let me call again for a while.”_

_  
“_ Yeah, Merry Christmas, Dani. Bye.” He got up and went back to his room, which was more of a tent anyway. He already missed the sound of her voice, and how easy it was to talk to her, just like it always had been.


	4. Chapter 4

_Panting, chest aching. Sometimes he wished he could use his abilities. He'd learned to bleed off excess into the ground at night, and no one could spot burns in the black jungle earth. Carrying someone over his shoulder as he ran. He hated running.  
_ Blood left rapidly cooling patches on his back, and across his stomach. Not his own. His gut twisted up and he had to force himself to keep running.  _Had to get to cover._ He had three more downed soldiers to go back for. He didn't even think about leaving them.

  
Puffs of dirt burst up from around his feet. He ran without thought, instinct the only thing driving him. Rocks that snapped upward occasionally left a bruise or a cut behind. But nothing touched him. 

He threw himself into a stand of bamboo, shoved the soldier over his shoulder onto the ground and into the protection of bamboo stems and boulders, and peered out of the leaves. For the moment, silence.

He ran again. A hail of gunfire followed him.  
  
_  
  
  
Only one of the four men he'd rescued died, and that was because he was much more badly wounded than Alex had realized. The others he'd field dressed and gotten airlifted out, and the next day there were new soldiers taking their place.

Camaraderie was hard to come by out here. You lost friends faster than you could make them, but fear in the jungle made it hard to fight each other. He shared rations, stories, field dressings. Showed one of them how to stitch a wound when he took injured along one arm.

  
They all knew about Dani, he couldn't help but talk about her. He just called her a friend, even though as the months and letters went on, he started to feel more than just friendly toward her.

  
It didn't matter who they were, they all teased him about his girl back home, and he took it with pride that they gave him hell. He wouldn't have minded a bit if she wanted to be his girl, but he didn't dare ask, not when claymores cut the same swaths through leaves and through men, not when he ran the ranks because merit wasn't the only thing driving his promotions... not when there was a very real chance he would go home in a box.

_  
  


“Summers! Get your tail in here!”

  
He bolted for the current command center. He knew you didn't hesitate for any reason, or you'd get your ass handed to you.

  
It was August, and absolutely sweltering. You sweated just existing, you didn't have to even wear clothes for that. He'd never complain about New York summer weather again. He pushed open the tent flap.

  
“Phone call, Summers,” said the Lieutenant, handing the phone over. He didn't even excuse himself, just left. He was one of the few left of Alex's original group.

“ Hello?”

  
“ _Alex! Happy birthday! They promised you'd get your things today...”_

_  
_ He suddenly felt like he'd burst with happiness, especially when he sat in the chair the lieutenant had vacated and saw the brown-paper parcel addressed to him sitting on the desk that would get broken up and left behind tomorrow morning.  
“Yeah, it's right here! I'm about to open it right now. By the way,” he said, tucking the phone between his ear and shoulder as he tore the paper carefully, “I got promoted again.”

  
“ _Oh wow. So you're a- a sergeant then? Sergeant Summers.”_ She laughed.

  
“Yeah, I sure am.” He was smiling hard enough his face hurt. The paper tore neatly, and he opened the box that it had covered. The second book to the first one he had shoved in the bottom of his pack, some chocolate, a bunch of his tea, a packet of beef jerky, and some raisins. The chocolate was some gourmet stuff. There also was a card tucked in the side. “You,” he said, his throat suddenly tight. “Are amazing.”

  
_Happy Birthday Alex,_ said the card on the front, the  _Alex_ clearly added in her own hand. There were  hand- drawn stars all over the front. Inside the card read  _Have a wish for every star in the sky._ In her handwriting, it read,  _hope at least one of them comes true, too! I know you can't have the happiest birthday in the jungle, but at least you have a friend or two back home. Miss you, Dani._

  
He was quiet so long, trying to keep from actually crying on the phone, that she spoke up again.

  
“ _Alex? Is everything okay? If they lost anything, I am going to give them hell.”_

_  
_ He cleared his throat and rubbed the tears that had snuck out away with the back of one hand. “No, it's fine. I'm fine. You're so great... thank you so much. This is the best birthday, I don't care where I am.” He could picture her yelling at some colonel at the army post. It made him smile through the tears in his eyes. 

  
“ _Oh_ Alex.  _It's just some stuff.”_ He could practically hear the blush in her voice.

  
“ It's the best stuff though. Hey, listen. I've got some things I'm sending you... I keep getting these stupid medals.” He touched the cover of  _The Gypsy Game_ . He wondered if it was anything like  _The Egypt Game._

“ _Don't you want to send those to your parents?”_

  
“ I want you to be the one to keep them safe for me. I know you will. Okay? Promise me.” He toyed with the edge of the cover, dog-earing it.

  
“ _Okay, sure. I can do that. I'll keep them put away for you and you can get them when you come back.”_

  
He wanted to tell her she could keep them, that he didn't want them. But he didn't say a word about it. “Thanks, Dani. Really. I'm sorry I've been gone so long already.”

  
“ _It's not that bad. And you write to me. But I better let you go... I don't want to but I have work in an hour. If you're still in camp in the morning, and don't have to leave right away, call me. Okay?”_

__  
“ Sure, I'll try. Later.” He almost said  _babe._ He sighed as he hung up.  _You have it bad, Alex._   



	5. Chapter 5

The days and nights blurred together. The letters she sent and the occasional phone call helped, and they helped a lot. She sent care packages, not just for him, but for his squadmates too. Cigarettes, bandages, beer, jerky, more of that gourmet chocolate, comic books and good luck charms in the form of rabbits' feet. 

  
They called her the Rabbit Queen affectionately, made her their unofficial mascot, springing it on Alex unexpectedly one day. Even when someone died, the rabbits' feet were often passed to the next new soldier when they could. It made Alex both proud and sad. 

  
He sent her his medals. She wrote him to let him know she got them, and he read the letter huddled in a mosquito netting under the cover of a slapdash canopy thrown together out of an oversized tarp, the only thing holding back the deluge outside. He shared the space with three other soldiers.  
  
_Dear Alex-_

_I got your medals. Like I promised I put them away for you. They're very nice. I know you hate them so I won't talk about them. I got a new car, okay its not really new it's a 1960 Dart Phoenix... it only kind of runs and it needs paint. Hank has a friend working on it for me. Some guy with a lot of hair and a cigar habit. He mostly chews on them. Weirdo. But he's good, Hank says he got his old car running. So I guess it's okay. He grumbles and growls and grunts a lot. He's angry pretty much all the time I think. Hank says he's not. Do you know him?_

_Also one of the times Hank came to get your letter and stayed a while for lunch, this guy came and started yelling outside, and when I went to the door, he yelled at me and pushed past me and yelled at Hank. I couldn't understand him, it was mostly British and whiskey. Hank apologized a lot and left with the guy... and forgot his lunch. Anyone you know? But anyway, I can send more things when you need them. I miss you a lot, and I'll be able to call again in a week. -xo Dani_

_  
_ Alex shook his head at this letter. He knew who both people were, how could he not? He was looking forward to seeing her car when he got home again, and he figured it wouldn't take too long for it to get repaired. She had good taste in cars, but he wasn't surprised. He'd really hoped she wouldn't be exposed to Charles and his problems, but he couldn't say he was particularly surprised. He sighed.  
  
_  
  
  
  
“Oh  _there_ you are! Gosh Hank, you left your lunch last time. You might want to eat it first this time, just in case” She hauled him inside and shut the door, locking it. Normally she didn't but after Brits-and-Whiskey, you just didn't chance it.

“ You're not mad?” Hank asked incredulously as he stumbled inside. 

  
“Why would I be mad? So your friend is messed up and you have to deal with it. It's not my business, and I know you're doing your best.” She shoved him toward the table.

  
He sat down. “I  _am_ trying, even if it doesn't seem like it. I know that if I try an intervention or something, he'll just go right back to where he was because he doesn't  _want_ to get better.”

“ And that's the whole thing. I know you're trying, so it's all right, really. You'll get through it, I swear.” She handed him the ham and cheese and tomato sandwich she'd made for herself, and started another.  Today her hair was knotted loosely, and she wore a t-shirt and jeans.

  
“So how's Alex?” He set the plate down, and waited for her. It was only polite.

  
“I'll read his letter after lunch. I went down to the post myself to get it, because I wasn't sure you'd be back. I'm glad you are though.” She finished her sandwich, and came to sit across from him, handing him a peach soda.

  
“I'm really sorry about that. So how'd you know they had a letter?” He took a bite of the sandwich. She was really good at making food.

  
“They ring me up. Or at least they did this time. Did he tell you he's been getting medals?” She opened both sodas, and took a drink of hers.

  
“He  _has?_ No, he never told me.” He was halfway through already. He couldn't help it, he had a big appetite. If she'd let him, he'd make his own second sandwich.

  
“He has. He hates them though, so I can't really talk about them with him. He sent them all to me for me to keep safe. Every time he gets one...” She sighed. “Poor Alex.” She bit her lip, and then finally started on her sandwich. “You can make yourself another sandwich if you're hungry, Hank.”

  
He looked up at her, wide-eyed, as he finished his sandwich. “Oh. Um. Thanks.” He chewed, swallowed, took a drink of soda. “He sends them to you? That's awfully nice. I wonder why he hates them...”

  
“He didn't say, but I'm pretty sure it's because he's out there doing what he thinks he has to, and they're sticking fancy things in his pockets, just because he did the right thing.” She sighed again. 

  
Hank made himself another sandwich.

_  
  
  
_Dear Dani-  
  
Yeah, the hairy grump working on your car is Logan. He's actually pretty nice, but don't be surprised if he vanishes for months on end. He does that a lot. You get used to it. The car sounds really great though, I can't wait to see it. _ _I'm really sorry you had to see Charles... he used to be a really great guy but things got really hard in '63, and I'm sure you heard a little bit about Cuba. There's just been so much that he couldn't manage, that he just lost it. Hank tries to keep him in line but it's real hard on him. Tell him he's doing great though, I know he always worries. There's another medal on the way, let me know once you have it. The guys love the rabbits' feet, so send a few more if you could, we lost a couple of boys to claymores three weeks ago. Can't really find those to pass on to the others. They also are digging the comics, so make sure you throw in more. Other than that, same stuff as always. Thanks a ton, you're the best. I can't wait to get back and see you again. Looking forward to the next call._

_-Alex  
_   
  
“He says to tell you that you're doing great with Charles,” she said to him, looking up from the letter.

“He does?” Hank blinked behind his glasses. “Huh. Well, if you'd tell him I said thanks, that'd be great.”

  
“Sure I will.” She folded the letter back up, her hands shaking just a little.

  
Hank noticed. Being a doctor, and being a concerned type, he noticed where someone else might not have. “Are you okay?”

  
She froze. The silence stretched out so long he was worried he said something wrong somehow.

  
And then she put her hands over her face, and that’s when he saw past the façade she usually managed to keep up. Her elbows hit the table and she let out a breathless sound like a sob. “ _No.”_

  
He got up, went to her, and put his hands on her shoulders. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  
She was shaking like a leaf under his hands. “ _I'm so scared, Hank. The longer he's away the more I expect to get a colonel on my doorstep telling me Alex is dead. I've dreamed it twice now. There's just him and the lieutenant from his first squad left. It's all new boys, and someone dies every other day it seems like. I'm terrified one of these days, it'll be him.”_

_  
_ Hank wasn't sure what to say. “It'll be okay,” he said, feeling stupid.  _What a pointless thing to say. You're n_ _ot going to fix it._

  
She startled him by turning in her seat, and hugging him hard around the middle. Before he could do more than pat her back, she straightened, and wiped her eyes with a napkin. “Thanks,” she said, weakly. “I needed to hear that.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter!

One of the guys ran into the campsite with Alex's package held up over his head, as they so often did. “Hey, Summers! The Rabbit Queen's package is here! Go on and open it! It's got a letter with it too!” He handed it past grabbing hands into Alex's, and then joined the small group.

  
“Letter first,” Alex said, putting the package in his lap and sitting on a tree stump above where they all sat on the ground, “or package?”

  
Pandemonium broke out.

“Come on then, let's vote if you can't choose.” He slipped the letter out of where it had been tucked into the string around the package. “Letter?” He held it up.

  
Hands shot into the air.

  
“Package?” He held that up.

  
More hands. 

  
“Jacobsen put your hand down, you can't vote twice.”

  
The corporal put his hand back down. “Awww,” he said.

  
“It's not democratic,” Alex said, with some humor. “All right boys, it's package first, and then letter.” He tucked the letter into his shirt and pulled off the string, tossing it into the group of soldiers, and then tore off the paper. He opened the box.  
They all leaned forward. Jacobsen had somehow ended up with the paper, and had balled it up in both hands.

  
“All right, rabbits feet for the guys who don't have any,” he tossed them to the soldiers who didn't have one of their own. Some hung them from their dog tags, others stuck them in their pockets, or secured them to their packs. “Chocolate for everybody, here, you pass those out.” He shoved them a stack at a time, at one of the younger men in the front row. “Jerky, cigarettes, beer... the usual. Here, Jacobsen, the next couple comics in the series you're reading. There's a lot in here, guys, so we'll just pass them around. Some bandage rolls for the Doc, and hey.... what's this?” He shoved his hand all the way into the box and pulled out a big gold-and-cream colored bag. “All right, more candy!”

  
“Did she send  _Werther's?”_ Someone from the back called out. “That's great! I really missed those.”

  
“Letter! Letter! Letter!” Some of the soldiers in the middle started up. 

  
“Okay okay, shut it you hooligans.” Alex passed the box down so it could be set aside, and pulled out the letter and opened it. He cleared his throat.

_Dear Alex-_

_It's been a while, I know. I'm sorry. I've been sick and while I was sick, I decided to read some books my mum had left behind. One of them was on knitting, and once I got better, I decided I was going to learn how. Well I've been learning, and I was real excited to knit everyone in the squad a scarf... till I realized that it doesn't get cold there!  
  
_ “Hey I'd wear one anyway!”

  
“I'd wear just about anything if the Rabbit Queen made it!”

  
“Who cares if it isn't cold? It'd be all homemade and remind us of home--”

  
“Okay guys, shut up and let me read, huh?” He shook his head and them as smiled.  
  
_I was considering it anyway, but you'll have to ask the boys. Logan's got it so the car runs now, although it still looks awful, and it spits black smoke whenever I try to go over forty in it. Stupid old thing. I think there's a leak in the oil pan.  
Hank says thanks, it made him feel better that you said he was doing well with Brits-and-Whiskey's problems. They've been having trouble, apparently they've been getting threatening phone calls? But they keep asking for someone who isn't there. They even called me once, but I think it got connected wrong, the operator girl apologized about fifty times. I bought a pumpkin today, I know it's too early, but it was just so perfect. It was huge and perfectly round, you know how hard that is to find! I could barely carry it. It was sunny too, without a cloud in the sky. Of course, by the time you get this letter, it'll probably be almost Halloween. There's a book of ghost stories in the bottom of the box, under the bag of candy. I'm sure the boys will love them. I know you do. I've got to go again, my boss just called and said I need to come in extra, one of the other girls is sick. I'll call as soon as I can though, the colonel at the post told me it should be all right for me to. Tell my boys they'd best be good, and maybe I'll say hi to everyone on the phone. Talk to you soon, _

_-Dani_

_  
_ The chaos that broke out made Alex grin. He knew they loved hearing his letters when he got them (half of them didn't get letters at all) and he knew they loved that she called them “the boys”.

  
“ _I_ like,” Jacobsen said happily, taking a bite of chocolate, “that she called us  _her_ boys this time. She's our Queen all right.”

  
“Right? And a sunny day, without a cloud in sight. What I wouldn't give for that!”

  
“And a giant pumpkin! If she couldn't carry it, what do you think it weighed, Summers?”

  
“Probably thirty pounds, maybe more. She's pretty strong,” Alex said proudly.


	7. Chapter 7

Dani was in a panic. 

“They broke camp this morning, Miss Freeman, I'm sorry.”

“But you told me I could call! You specifically told me. You said I could call if I called before noon and it's not even ten in the morning!” She gripped the phone and the cord tightly in each hand.

“I know I did, but I can't control whether or not they have to break camp for other reasons. All I can say is that I'm sorry, and you should be able to get into contact again in a week.”

“A week?!” She was barely able to choke back a sob. “I can't—! You—! At least tell me Alex is all right! Please.” 

“Sergeant Summers? As far as I know, he's fine, ma'am. What's got your nylons all in a twist?”

“Never mind!” She said convulsively, and slammed down the phone.

Hank came out of the kitchen. “I uh... I guess the sandwiches will have to wait?”

Dani burst into tears.

“O- oh, oh no, no Dani, it's okay!” He rushed over, forgetting about the sandwiches or much of anything. “What's wrong?” He hurried her over to one of her chairs and sat her down in it. 

It took her a minute to stop crying enough to speak. “H-he wasn't th-th-there. They s-s-said they broke camp this-this morning! I can't talk to h-him and after th-that nightmare...”

“You needed to talk to him.” He nodded, and put his hand gently on her shoulder. “I understand.”

She nodded too hard, trying to calm her tears but they wouldn't stop.

“Look, you just try to calm down a little, at least enough to eat, and I'll call them and see if they'll give you a ring when they make camp again, all right? I know it's not much...”

She nodded again, sniffling. “Thank you, Hank,” she said softly, wiping at her eyes with her hands.

_

It was another three weeks before she could get through to them. And when her phone rang, she got one of the biggest surprises she'd get for a while.

“Dani?”

Her hand gripped the phone so hard it creaked. “Alex!”

“Hey. I'm so sorry. They said you tried to call the night you sent the letter, but we'd already broken camp. Emergency. But man, I am so sorry. You must have been really worried.”

“Worried?” she laughed awkwardly. “Maybe a little.”

“You were freaked out, weren't you?” He read her with ease, as he always seemed to. Her gift, she supposed. A connection with someone she cared about that went beyond the physical.

Her voice cracked. “Yes.” She cleared her throat. “I had this awful nightmare and I knew it'd be okay because I knew I'd be able to call you, and then you were gone and... I felt so helpless.” 

“I know babe,” he said, the word coming from him without thought. “It's rough being this far apart and not being able to see someone to know they're okay. I worried the whole time too, because I knew you'd be upset. Got some good news though.”

She bit her lip when he called her babe. It was stupid, but it made her feel better. A lot better. “What's that?”

“The guys want scarves. They don't care what the weather's like, they said if you made it, they'd wear it. They wouldn't care what it was. Bunch of 'em want to say hi, but they insisted we talk for a while first because of what happened.”

“They're sweet,” she said, smiling enough he could hear it in her voice. “I'll get right on that. It won't be too long before I can send them... bet you can't guess what I did the whole three weeks...”

He laughed. “You knitted a whole bunch. So how's the car? You get the oil pan fixed? I swear to God, Logan better hurry up and finish fixing it already. When it's all painted and waxed, you gotta take a picture okay? And send it to me.”

“It's okay... it still needs the paint, and he's fighting with it to get it to go faster than forty, but yeah, the oil pan's fixed. And he had to replace the oil line and the fuel line. But sure, I'll take a picture. Maybe I'll even be in it.” 

“Good.”

The next ten minutes or so, she got bombarded with hellos and well wishes, requests of the sort that she could fulfill but a few she knew she couldn't, but also knew it wouldn't be minded, and a lot of sweet comments as well. And then one of them handed the phone back to Alex.

“I bet you have to go,” she said, and he could hear all of the disappointment in her tone.

“Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sure we won't be out in this mess too much longer.”


	8. Chapter 8

_It was another two and a half years before Alex would go home.  
  
  
_ He was so tired. He'd slept on the plane back without even m eaning to, his long, lean body folded up and flopped into the window. He'd left a patch of fog behind that he'd sheepishly wiped away. He had his heavy pack over one narrow shoulder, and his boots scuffed along the old linoleum of the airport floor.

  
Announcements rang out overhead. 

  
He knew no one would be here, they'd all been surprised when they'd been sent home on a cargo jet, and he still couldn't get over the fact that he was in New York again. He'd flown out from La Guardia six years ago, and here he was, back there. _  
_ He'd just been too tired to try to call Hank or Dani to come get him.

  
He dragged himself up to the main atrium area, and shuffled toward the baggage pickup. With some luck, he'd be able to get a cab, and go home, sleep for about a month straight. He knew he should let Dani know he was back, but he was feeling absurdly selfish at the moment.  _She could wait another month..._

  
And then someone ran into him, nearly knocking him down, and his brows came together as he stumbled backward, barely catching himself. “God, watch where you're--”  
It wasn't just anyone. It was  _her_ .

  
“Dani? What're you doing here?” He stared at her, blinking uncomprehendingly.

She laughed, and her eyes were red, and she had tissue in one hand. “Your CO called me last night, told me you were the last flight coming in today. I've been here since eleven.”  She was wearing a sweater and jeans, and her hair was falling out of the messy knot she’d tied it into.

  
“You--” he could barely register what she was saying. “You  _waited_ for me?”

  
“Alex  _Summers,”_ she said with fond exasperation. “I waited for you for six years, how could I not wait six hours?” 

  
He dropped his pack with a  _thump_ and hugged her until she let out a breathless laugh, his arms shaking. “ _I missed you so bad,”_ he managed, in a broken whisper. “ _I missed all of this so bad, but mostly you.”_   


She held him back tightly, even though he knew he was probably hurting her, she didn't say a word about it. “Me too,” she said, and then sighed. “Okay, as much as I hate to say this, I need to breathe.” She giggled.

  
He let go of her, and straightened up, his ears red and his cheeks pink. “Sorry,” he said, and scooped up his bag by the strap to settle it on his shoulder again. 

  
“Don't worry about it, you needed it. D'you want food or something? Or just some sleep in a real bed? Hank has an apartment rented for you, in case you don't want to go back to living where you were, just for a month.”

  
“Food would be good. Hank is pretty great. He's not as great as you, but he's great. I don't know yet. Is Charles really better? Also I am probably going to sleep in the car, please don't be mad.” He rubbed a hand over his face.

  
“Yeah, he's not Brits-and-Whiskey anymore. He's apologized to me and a lot of other people. He's the one that said you could go back to living in the mansion.” She rubbed her arm. “He also said that maybe I could live there too if I wanted.”

  
_That_ woke him up in a hurry. He looked at her sharply,  noticing for the first time that her eyes were  _not_ brown or hazel . “Why would he say that? Are you—?”

She still couldn't do much but...  _  
  
Yeah. I am._   
  
He started a bit, his eyes wide. Her voice, in his head. “Oh.  _Wow._ Um. That's pretty great. Do you want to live there?”

  
“If you're there. Hank will be but well...” She shrugged, blushing. “I'll be there. Hank can cancel the lease or whatever. Or he can keep it open just in case, I don't know. But it might be easier to handle nightmares in a familiar place, rather that some place I might lose a lease.” 

He raised his brows, biting his lip.

  
“Yeah. I kind of almost lost mine because of Charles,” she said, turning toward the exit as if she knew he would follow.

  
He did, bag bouncing agaainst his back. “ _What?”_

  
“Yeah, he kind of went nuts on Hank a few times, and the yelling after ten pm really upset my neighbors.” She shrugged. “I'm kind of over it. Also the threatening phone calls were just a prank.” She sighed. “Can you believe it? Also, apparently Charles is friends with a guy who was locked up under the Pentagon?” She looked over at him.

  
“Erik. Yeah. It's... it's complicated.” He shifted his pack on his shoulder and got ahead of her so he could open the door for her. “I'm kind of mad at him still for some things.”

  
“Oh. He was... he was nice.” She walked out after him, giving him a smile.

  
“Sure he was. Not surprised really. But well... look I'll tell you some other time. I don't really want to talk about Erik right now. I'll eat just about anything, and a nap would be great. I'll probably sleep like a log when we get back to the mansion.”  
  
-  
  
  
Alex couldn't sleep. The bed was too soft. He wriggled around. He'd been tossing and turning for a couple of hours already. Sighing, he got off of the bed, and curled up on his side on the floor.

Two hours later he woke up in a panic, sun filtering through the blinds onto his face. He twisted onto his back and tried to sit up fast. The carpet bogged down his movements, and for a moment, he hit a bout of pure terror.

  
_Late. Bogged down. Sunlight. Any second now there'll be gunfire. Or a missile. Or--_

_  
_ “Alex?”

  
He looked up abruptly to see Dani in the doorway. Of a room. His room. He came back out of the haze of fear, and flopped back, breathing hard. “Hey.”

  
“You okay?” She came into his room without being invited, and sat on the floor next to him. Her dark hair was twisted into a braid  again.

  
“Yeah, yeah.” He sat up more slowly this time. “For second I was sure I was late getting up, and that I was gonna get hell somehow.” He sighed and folded his arms, resting his forearms on his drawn up knees. The olive green tank top slid downward somewhat and some of the scarring on his collarbone and upper chest was visible.

  
She stared at him. Swallowed hard. “Alex?”

  
He looked up from the scar on his wrist, the one he'd told her about. “Yeah?”

  
“You- you never told me about this...” she gestured almost shakily toward him with her chin.

  
He looked down at himself, sat the upper edges of the scars. “Oh. Right.” He made a face. “I'm sorry, babe, I just forgot. I was out of it for a while, I know I made some phone calls but I don't remember 'em, and as soon as I was healed up enough, they sent me back. That's where the Purple Heart came from.” His voice turned bitter edged.

  
“How—?” She couldn't finish the sentence. 

  
He laughed a little awkwardly, looked down at his hands again. “Claymore. Tried to grab one of the boys away from it when I saw it, thought I could shoot it and put it out of commission before it went off.” He looked up at her again, eyes wet. “Wasn't fast enough.” Both lips disappeared between his teeth for a moment, flattening his mouth into a razor slash in his pale face. “Shrapnel's a bitch.”

  
He didn't say what had happened to the other soldier. 

“ Let me see it,” she said, her own face pale.

  
“Babe-” he faltered. He didn't want her to have to see it.  _He_ didn't even want to have to see it most times. The stitches were out, of course, but it hadn't healed enough. It was still a reminder of how he'd failed someone.

  
“Alex.” Her voice turned cutting, and he winced back from it a little. 

  
“Don't say I didn't warn you,” he said faintly. He got up onto his knees and pulled off his shirt. He held it clenched in one fist, just shy of white-knuckling the fabric.

  
His chest and stomach were scattered with angry scything scars, still reddened, a few raised but most of them clawing into the skin and making him look like he'd been mauled, and in a sense, he had been.

Her hands shook, and she tried to hide it, folding them under her arms against her sides.

  
“I'm sorry,” he said. “I came back broken and messed up.” He swallowed hard, struggling to straighten the shirt out so he could put it back on. “You said you'd be cross--”

  
She grabbed his wrist, making it nearly impossible to get the shirt over his head. “No. I said if you died. You're in one piece,” tears streaked down her cheeks, and her lips trembled slightly. “That's what matters. I don't care if you're broken and messed up, that can be fixed. You're alive, you're okay. That's enough.”

  
He couldn't look at her.

“How's Hank?” He asked instead, following her into the kitchen, and went to sit at the table.

  
“I don't know.” The set of her shoulders made him wonder what the hell was going on.

  
“Why not?” He sat down too hard, jarring his injuries, and winced.

  
“He's pretty much ignored me since the Paris Peace Accords.” Eggs cracking with enough force to worry him. But with that proclamation he couldn't find it in himself to be surprised.

  
“Why? I thought he liked hanging around you. And how the hell did you know about the apartment thing?” He leaned his arms on the table with care, making sure he didn't bump aggravated skin. It'd settle down after a while.

  
“Apparently not,” her tone was flat, but there was an edge to it. “It's called a telephone,” she said, and he frowned. “As for why, he hasn't directly told me, but I get the feeling it had some basis in the color blue.” Despite her cryptic words, he knew exactly what she meant.

  
“He thinks you hate him. Because of that. Yeah, I saw a recording of that before we came back. Hank... he's got a really intense mutation. He didn't used to, but he messed around with this serum thing to try to inhibit his natural mutation... you saw his feet right?” Her tense nod let him go on. “Unfortunately, he'd made it from this chick who could shapeshift, you probably saw her too... blue?” She didn't respond, but he could tell from the tension in her shoulders that she had seen that too, even if what had made the television had been brief. “So I don't know what his normal color would have been if that mutation had surfaced without it, but he ended up blue with yellow eyes because of it.”

“ He thinks I hate him,” she said with a quiet sort of coldness that reminded him almost too much of Erik, “because he thinks he's a monster, and I happened to see it.”

  
He felt a jolt of disquiet that bordered on anxiety. “How'd you know that?”

She turned around and he got a good look at her eyes, strange, beautiful… eyes that should have told him she had gifts like his. Eyes she had hidden from the rest of the world.

_Remember this? I can't do much. Talk a little. Catch the vaguest hint of surface thoughts. He was broadcasting._

“He pretends that's not why. He pretends it's because you're back and I don't need him anymore. He pretends that this is how he normally is. But underneath it, he's convinced he's a monster.” She sighed. The flare of aqua blue faded, and her eyes looked almost normal. But there was still something unearthly, as she turned away again, that he noticed. _Her pupils aren't black,_ he realized.

  
He sighed too. “Yeah, I know. It's kind of been a sticking point for years.” He frowned. She worked a little less loudly, cracking eggs with a tap instead of something bordering on a smash, and she seemed to have calmed a bit.

  
“I'm sorry if it bothers me more than it probably should,” she said, as she turned to get some other things out of the fridge.

“ Don't be sorry,” he said softly. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter!

One morning, he woke up sobbing, and he didn't know why. Dani came running. He wasn't sure how she knew, at first, he'd muffled it in a pillow because he didn't want to disturb anyone. Especially since he couldn't stop it from happening.

  
“Alex! What's wrong?” She pushed the door open and came in, coming straight to him, sitting on the bed next to him. The bed he could sometimes sleep in.

  
“ _I don't know!”_ he half-wailed into the pillow.  _“I just feel so awful! So sad. I can't stop.”_ His narrow shoulders were shaking.

She gently turned him away from the pillow and onto his side. “Oh honey,” she said softly, making his heart ache. “It sounds like you might be depressed.” She brushed his sweat-soaked hair off of his forehead. “I'll get Charles in here.”

  
“Hank's the doctor...” He folded his arms over himself.

  
Her back stiffened. “But Charles can actually get some results until you can be examined.”

  
“Right,” he said, and turned his face into the pillow again as his thin body was wracked with sobs he couldn't control.

  
She ran from the room. Minutes later, Charles was right behind her coming back into Alex's room. 

  
_Alex,_ Charles said softly in his mind.  _I'm here. Let me help._

She heard nothing from Alex, but soon enough he emerged from the pillows again, his face wet. He sat up slowly. “Thanks, Professor,” he said in a low, dull voice.

  
“You're welcome,” Charles said. “I can't erase the depression, but I can ease it. With Hank's help, I can see how bad it is, and if you're willing, I can push it down to a more manageable level. How does that sound?” He tried to have some cheer on his face, but Alex's condition troubled him. He kept his worries about Alex's other thoughts to himself, at least for now. Especially the most prominent of them, which had to do with Dani.

“ I guess you don't want to go with me,” Alex said, working on getting up. He rubbed his face until it was more or less dry, and gave her a worn look.

  
“Actually,” she said, “I do. As long as Hank keeps his thoughts inside his head and not coming out of his mouth, I can be civil.” She put one hand on his shoulder. “Especially for you.”

  
He offered her a weak smile.

_  
  
  
Downstairs in the lab, Hank studiously avoided looking at Dani. He said nothing to her, and that made both Alex and Charles uncomfortable, for differing reasons.

  
“Unsurprisingly, you seem to be suffering from PTSD,” Hank said, scribbling down notes. “The only standard treatment for that right now is lithium, but one, I don't want to put you on drugs designed for humans without mutations, and two, I wouldn't trust a drug like that not to knock you on your ass.” He adjusted his glasses. “Figuratively. Also, excuse my language. I'm a little stressed right now.”

“ _No shit,”_ Alex murmured, barely loud enough for anyone to hear. 

Hank gave him a look. Alex ignored it. “But Charles can help where therapy might not do much good. You rationally know you're here, and you know that you're okay, and so on. This is the kind of depression that you'd be most likely to have random 

episodes of uncontrolled crying, irritability or aggressiveness, restlessness, and guilt. Those are things that are hard for me to help you with, except maybe the guilt.” He chewed on his bottom lip.

  
“I can't get rid of the  symptoms ,” Charles said quietly. “But I can dampen the effect. I can make it less terrible for you.”

  
“It won't hurt you, will it?” Alex asked anxiously, worried about doing more damage. 

  
“No.”  Charles looked at Dani, and then at Alex. “It may help with other things as well. But it's up to you. You may want a few days, or even longer, to determine if it's something you can handle on your own, or if you need assistance.”

  
Alex thought about it.  



	10. Chapter 10

  
He tried. For a month, he tried to find himself inside of his pain, inside of his guilt and frustration. He tried to keep his cool. But he had nightmares nightly. Sometimes he woke up screaming. Dani was always there,  every time. Sometimes Logan was there too.

  
That actually frustrated him, and did so deeply. One morning, it pushed him so far, he lashed out. “Get out of here!” he yelled through his tears, the tears that wouldn't stop like Hank had warned him about. “Stop always being here! Just get out of here!”

  
She gave him a look he couldn't interpret, and bolted.

  
“That wasn't okay, kid,” Logan growled.

  
“Oh shut up,” Alex grumbled. “You get to be a jerk whenever you want.”

  
“That kind of shit will get you smacked. I  _wish_ I had someone around who gave that much of a shit about me, Summers. She's willing to drop everything for you, and you treat her like dirt. What's the matter with you? Goddamned depression.” His lip curled in a half-snarl. “She loves you, dipshit. Get that into your head.”

“She shouldn't,” Alex snapped back. “I'm fucked up and broken. Maybe I should have died in the jungle instead of coming back. A stupid promise I shouldn't have made.”

  
“ _That's_ why you're pissed? Because you're fucked up? You're such a fuckin' pansy. God damn. Shape up, kid.” He jabbed a finger in Alex's direction. “Hank's already hurting her, and now you're breakin' her heart. You don't knock that shit off, I'm gonna make your life hell.”

  
Alex just sulked.

  
She avoided him when he went out later.  _So much for loving me,_ he growled to himself.  _One wrong thing and she leaves me alone. Better this way anyway._

_  
  


When Logan found her later, she was up on the roof, wedged into a spot that shouldn't have been possible to fit, bundled up in an oversized jacket. But that wasn't what moved him. It was the tears.

  
“Hey kid, what's wrong?” He sat near her, since he couldn't sit next to her.

  
“You know what's wrong,” she said morosely, not bothering to wipe the tears away.

  
“I'm kind of the oblivious type,” he said. He kept the cigar put away. “Enlighten me.” He figured it'd help her to actually tell it.

  
She shut her eyes. “Whatever. Alex is being a dick because he thinks I'm going to hate him and he's tired of me helping and he's depressed and he's stupid. On top of it Hank is being a dick because he thinks I'll hate him because he's a monster. I'm just so tired of this bullshit.” Her eyes opened partway.

  
In the growing gloom, he could see how unreal their color was. She couldn't just be a telepath, not with eyes like that. What else, he didn’t know.

  
“Hank's a dumbass. Alex you're just gonna have to be patient with, but I'll talk to Charles. I'd rather punch him, but you like his stupid pretty face, and I don't want to break it. So talking's the best way to go. I dunno, maybe being patient will help with Hank. Stick around. Show him you're not scared of him. He'll get over it.” He put his hand on her knee. Friendly, comforting. If she'd accept it.

“Will he?” she asked, shutting her eyes again, unable to stop the slow trickle of tears just then.

  
Logan weighed his next words. Said them anyway. “I would. If it was me.”

She covered her face with both half-jacketed hands. “Not sure I deserve that,” she said flatly.

  
“You do,” he said. He wanted to be irritable, because it irritated him she'd think that. But he knew she couldn't handle it now. He kept his tone as gentle as he could manage. “I know maybe it feels like two people gangin' up on you makes you unworthy or something, but you're not. Alex may bullshit you now, but you kept him going, you kept him and his boys going, honestly, and you got him home. That ain't nothin' to sneeze at, kid. And Hank, well. Like I said, he'll get over it.”

  
She put her hands on her thighs, scrubbing them up and down. “I guess.”

“Don't just guess. You know I'm right, kid, even if you don't want me to be. Now c'mon, you're gonna catch your death up here, and that's not okay.” He got up, took both her hands and pulled her up easily despite her reluctance and wedged position. “Let's go.”

Inside, he led her straight to Charles' office. “You gotta do something,” he said, without preamble. “I found her on the roof cryin'. That's the kind of shit that gets faces broken when I'm around.”

  
“I appreciate you not breaking Alex's face, Logan,” Charles said, looking up from his paperwork. “Unfortunately, I can't force this on him. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. But I am not going to push my desires on him and make him come to me against his will. That will mean my work will have less effect and--” he looked sternly at Logan. “Strong-arming him down here will not help.”

  
Logan grumbled. “Fine. But don't think I ain't of the mind to figure out how to coerce him to get his pansy-ass down here and his problems fixed.”

  
“I understand that, Logan,” Charles said. “But I would appreciate if you didn't. Alex has to come to me of his own free will. He needs a good reason that _he_ sees as a good reason. He may not consider threats or coercion to be a good enough reason.”

  
Logan scowled, but said nothing else.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the final chapter! *guitar riff*

Things were quiet two days later, Alex seemed to have settled down a little. He was in the kitchen eating a sandwich when Dani walked in.

The silence turned cool. She bit her lip. “Charles can help, you know.”  She sat down hesitantly.

  
“Don't want help. Don't need it. Don't know why you care anyway.” He wasn't quite snapping this time, but it still was very much not normal Alex behaviour. 

  
She shoved her chair back, got up, slammed it back in. “ You know what? I’m done.  I don't know what your fucking problem is,” she said in a low, but clearly angry voice. “But I have had it with your bullshit. You used to act like you at least liked me. But now you've turned into some kind of great big asshole. Logan's right, I love you. Which means you better knock this shit off, get your head together and get some help.”

  
“Or what?” His eyes had narrowed, but his tone was hollow.

  
“Or I'm going to take my lease back out and you can get by on your own with a whole lot of people who are going to be pissed off at you that I'm gone.” She glared down at him, heart beating too fast.

His whole demeanor wilted. The sandwich found its way to his plate. _“You mean that, don't you?”_ For all his insistence it was what he’d wanted, being faced with it was something else entirely.

“ Yes I do. I liked you a lot before you disappeared. It's why I started writing to you. Your optimism despite the hell you were going through made me love you. And it's because I love you that I am telling you, I will not put up with this from you when you have an answer, and instead you just get angry with me and everything else.” 

  
He stared at her. His brow furrowed. Smoothed. His eyes welled up but no tears fell. Not now. He got up. He wanted to go to her but instead he paced.  Over and over. The restlessness finally had found him. “That's why this is so hard,” he said.  
  
She watched him.  
  
“I want to. I want to be okay. But I'm afraid if I slip up, if I'm not perfect, I'll hurt you, run you off. I'm broken Dani, I'm not okay. Maybe I never will be. Even with Charles' help.” He leaned on the sink  for only a moment. Started pacing again. “I'm pretty sure I was in love with you the day I went into that shop. But I came back wrong. I'm not the Alex you remember.”

“I don't care. I know who you are, even now. I know you changed, but I know you have to want to fix this. Charles can't fix it if you don't. But as long as you _try,_ there's not a lot you can do to run me off. Maybe we'll have to spend a little time apart sometimes.”

  
He froze in his tracks,  stopping to stare at her.

  
“But... even if we do,” she studied the side of his head. “It's not the end of things. I'm not the kind of person who needs to be in your back pocket. I have a life, and sometimes I like other people too. You know. I told you about that one of the times you came to the shop.”

  
He nodded a little. He wasn't looking at her. Not yet. “I remember. It just made me like you more. You ha ve such a big heart.”

  
“Yeah and a tough one,” she said, and lightly punched his shoulder. “Now get down to visit Charles, and maybe we can actually  _do_ something about this mutual emotion thing.”

He let out a choked little laugh, and wiped his eyes. “Yeah. Maybe so.”

_

“Charles.” Alex didn't even knock, he just walked in. Luckily for him, no one was in Charles' office but Charles himself.

  
He looked up immediately, setting down his pen. “Alex, hello,” he said warmly. “Have a seat.”

  
Alex crossed the room but hesitantly sat down, as if he was afraid of being scolded.

  
“May I ask why you're here?” He folded his hands on his desk. He'd been convinced to go ahead and  _actually_ shave his head to use Cerebro, instead of just considering it. The light shone slightly on his bald scalp.

  
“Thought you'd know,” Alex said a bit gruffly, staring at the knuckles of his folded hands.

  
“I could, but I'd prefer you to tell me,” he said softly. “You sought me out, that is a good start. But I want you to feel like you can  _talk_ to me about all of this.”

  
“Oh.” Alex fell silent for a while. He tried to put words together to explain, tried to figure out what would get Charles to understand.  _He already knows though. He's been through his own hell._

_  
_ Charles waited patiently. It was good practice for when they started bringing in students again.

  
“I'm tired of this... this depression crap. I know you can't fix it, you said so. But I'm done with it. I've hurt Dani too much, and I made her mad at me today, and I'm just so sick of waking up crying and I can't stop it, or it just hits me,” he fiddled with the glass paperweight. “Or being so restless I'm pacing at three in the morning.” He set it down with a thump and looked up at Charles. “I've never really been in a serious relationship before, and--” he sighed. “She said she loves me.”

“ I understand,” Charles said. “Thank you for coming to me and frankly I'm kind of glad, Logan was threatening to find ways to “convince” you to come here and you know that likely means breaking something or making threats of breaking things, and you know me.” He gave Alex a wry smile.

  
“Kind of goes against your code of telepathic ethics, yeah.” Alex let out a short, awkward laugh.

  
“I'll tell you now,” Charles said. “This isn't a permanent solution, but it will help. From what I can gather, it will give you the opportunity to learn how to cope with it. It's not going to shut it out, it'll just make it less overwhelming. Do you understand?”

  
Alex nodded, pressing his fingers flat together, bending them back slightly. “Yeah. I do.”

“I'm not going to push you into anything with Dani...” he held up one hand before Alex could interrupt. “I know how you feel about her. And I know that jumping in over your head is frightening. But I think she does more good for you than you realize, and I think that actually being in a relationship with her beyond just friendship could likely be a good thing for you. However.” He folded his hands again. “I want you to proceed at your own pace, whatever that might be. Just... don't push her away.”

  
“I won't. I don't want to. I don't know what I want to do yet, but I don't want to push her away.” He twisted his fingers together. “Thanks, Professor.”

  
“Anytime, Alex.” Charles said kindly.  
  
  
_

  
She was watching something on the television with Hank. Hank sat in the armchair nearby, and she sat on the couch. It took him a little while to realize it was near the end of The Magnificent Seven. 

He wanted to sit next to her. He paced behind the couch. Because he wanted to sit next to her and just sit by her, but he could picture himself with his arm over the back of the couch. He could picture her leaning into him. He could picture himself sprawled on the couch, his head in her lap, and it made him blush. He wanted to. But he wasn't sure just exactly what he wanted to do right now.

  
“Alex,” she said suddenly, without looking up, startling him into remembering her telepathy. “Are you going to sit down or what?”

  
He went around and sat down, and for a while, he just sat tensely next to her. He chewed on his lip, and rested his hand on the couch next to her, figuring he'd have to get up the nerve to make the first move.  His heart beat faster at the thought of just touching her hand.

  
Instead, she reached over, took his hand, and held it in both of hers, still watching, chewing gum, one foot up on the coffee table.

  
His heart jolted, and he stared at her. She glanced over, smiled at him, and freed one hand up to ruffle his hair. “You want to go on the roof when this is done?” She asked, when there was a commercial break.

  
“Uh, yeah. Sure.” Alex watched someone talking about a car on the screen, half distracted. “Sounds like fun.” He looked up at her, and saw her looking at him, and couldn't look away. 

  
She smiled at him, squeezed his hand, and turned back to the  TV as the movie came back on.

-

It was raining when they emerged on the roof. Not hing heavy , just enough to see in the growing dark. She tugged on his hand and pulled him from under the shelter of the tarp Logan had slung up months ago, a bright green thing that rattled faintly under the droplets. 

  
They bumped into each other, laughed. She held his hand, and he realized only then just how small it was compared to his. Her hands were strong. She took both of his when they came to a spot where they could see the sky.  
“Look, Alex,” she said, pointing with their hands. “The stars are out despite the rain.”

  
He looked up. A few heavy clouds hung overhead, but here and there, patches of deepening blue were dappled with silvery-white stars. He hadn't had a chance to look up in so long. His heart ached as he stared up at them. It was a while before he realized she wasn't looking at the sky, she was looking at him.

  
He gave her a shy, awkward smile. “Thanks.”

  
“For what?” Dani asked brightly, smiling at him.  He couldn’t tell if she was teasing, or really just that sweetly clueless.

  
“Everything. Being there at the shop, writing to me, helping me get through hell, for being there when I got home, for standing up to my stupid ass and not taking my shit.” He bit his lip, looked down, and then back up at her. The lamp at one end of the rooftop near them flickered to life, casting a soft orange glow on them.

  
“Oh  _Alex,”_ she said softly. “Why wouldn't I?”

  
“ I don't know,” he admitted. “I guess I just worry that I'm doing something wrong if I don't say thanks.”

She let go of his hands to move close to him and fold her arms over his shoulders, close enough he could almost feel her body heat. “You don't have to thank me.”

  
His hands fumbled for her waist, rested there uncertainly. “I don't know,” he said. “Maybe I should.”

  
She closed the space between them, and pressed a kiss to his cheek, making his ears redden noticeably in the dim light. “You're sweet,” she said.

  
“Nah,” he said, smiling almost too much.

“ Yes,” she said, and reached up, pinching his cheek. “I'm the expert. I'm right.” She wrinkled her nose at him.

  
At that moment, he suddenly realized that he loved her so much it hurt. All those moments spent wishing that maybe he had come home in a box, gone. He leaned forward, kissed her nose. Watched her blush, and smile shyly. 

  
She bumped her nose into his, and before he quite knew what was happening, she was kissing him, her mouth warm and soft against his, her arms tight around him. They were almost the same height. He almost thought of it as a new experience, but all of it was new, and he wasn't doing much thinking right now anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, let me know what you think!


End file.
